Before we had today's language for boundaries, emotional labor, and relationship expectations, Janet Jackson was singing about them. In 1986, Janet
Before we had today’s language for boundaries, emotional labor, and relationship expectations, Janet Jackson was singing about them.
In 1986, Janet Jackson released Control, an album that gave young women something worth listening to beyond the unforgettable beats and dance routines. It gave us a young woman who wanted authority over her own life, expected respect in her relationships, and wasn’t particularly interested in apologizing for either.
And she made it sound like a celebration. If you were there, then you know that we had so much fun with this amazing project. The fashions- I keep repeating we were getting outfits hand-sewn to match her video looks on the Control album—the fresh choreography and the awesomely memorable lyrics.
For many of us who grew up during that era, music was more than entertainment. We learned from it. We talked about the lyrics with our friends. We practiced the dance routines and battled others in the neighborhood, on cheering squads, or in marching bands. Sometimes we sang along for years before fully appreciating what an artist was telling us.
Looking back at Control, I hear something especially valuable.
Janet wasn’t simply singing about becoming an independent woman. Not in the way that I assumed at the time.
We watched her grow up on television and Control was an announcement of her artistic freedom from the well-established and much-adored Jackson family. She wasn’t just the baby of the family anymore. She was a grown woman now. Not Penny from Good Times. Not Charlene from Different Strokes. Janet Jackson! Miss Jackson, if you’re nasty. (Truly one of the best lines in music history)
She was singing about what happens when a woman begins expecting other people to respect her independence.
Respect Wasn’t Something Janet Was Begging For
One of the things I appreciate most about Control is that Janet wasn’t presenting herself as a woman who needed someone else’s approval to make decisions about her life.
She could be interested in romance without making romance the center of her existence. She could enjoy attention without accepting disrespect. She could appreciate what someone had done for her in the past without allowing those memories to excuse how he treated her today.
And she could decide to wait before becoming sexually intimate without treating her decision as something she needed to defend.
These weren’t small messages, especially for young women growing up in a culture that often measured our worth by how desirable, agreeable, and accommodating we could be.
Janet offered another way of thinking about ourselves.
What do I want? How do I expect people to treat me? Am I comfortable with this? Why should someone else’s expectations override my decisions?
Those questions belong to women and girls.
What Have You Done for Me Lately? A Lesson in Reciprocity
Consider the title alone.
What Have You Done for Me Lately?
There’s humor in that question, but there’s also wisdom.
Janet challenged the expectation that a woman should remain grateful indefinitely because a man once treated her well.
Relationships require ongoing consideration. Yesterday’s kindness doesn’t excuse today’s neglect. Someone who expects your affection, loyalty, and attention should understand that you also deserve care and consideration.
This wasn’t necessarily a song about material things, although people did certainly interpret it that way.
It was about examining what someone actually contributes to a relationship rather than accepting what they say about themselves.
And women have every right to ask that question.
Nasty: Being Attractive Doesn’t Mean Being Available for Disrespect
Then there was Nasty.
What a memorable way to address disrespectful behavior.
Janet didn’t suggest that a woman had to stop being attractive, fashionable, playful, or interested in men to deserve decent treatment.
She challenged the behavior itself.
That distinction deserves far more attention than it receives.
Women and girls still encounter people who treat our appearance, clothing, friendliness, or willingness to socialize as invitations to cross personal boundaries.
But attraction does not create entitlement.
A woman doesn’t owe someone access to her body, her attention, or her time because he finds her attractive.
And she doesn’t have to become less of herself to make that clear.
Let’s Wait Awhile: A Woman’s Timing Belongs to Her
I also appreciate the message in Let’s Wait Awhile.
Here was a young woman expressing affection while making it clear that she wasn’t ready to move forward sexually.
She wasn’t rejecting the possibility of intimacy. She was making a decision about her own readiness.
And she expected that decision to be respected.
Think about how often girls have been encouraged to worry about disappointing boys, losing relationships, or hurting someone’s feelings when deciding whether they are comfortable with sexual intimacy.
Janet’s song offered a different message.
A woman can care about someone and still say she wants to wait. Her affection doesn’t cancel her boundaries, and another person’s disappointment doesn’t create an obligation.
That lesson remains valuable today.
Control Was Also About Who Gets to Direct a Woman’s Life
The title track, Control, brought these ideas together.
Janet was establishing her own identity and making decisions about her future. Her music reflected a real transition in her career as she moved toward greater artistic independence.
But the message reached beyond the music business.
Girls grow up surrounded by expectations about how we should behave, what we should tolerate, how we should speak, and how much authority other people should have over our decisions.
Some of those expectations come from people who genuinely care about us. Others come from people who benefit when we don’t question them. Learning to recognize the difference is part of growing up.
And learning to trust our own judgment is part of protecting ourselves.
Black Women Have Been Teaching These Lessons Through Music for Generations
I think we sometimes underestimate what Black women have contributed to conversations about dignity, relationships, and self-respect through popular music. Our music has carried lessons about betrayal, independence, financial security, friendship, sexuality, heartbreak, and starting over.
Not every song was intended as a lesson. Not every message was perfect. But many artists gave women language for experiences we recognized in our own lives.
Janet Jackson was definitely a huge part of that tradition.
And what made Control particularly memorable was its energy. She wasn’t delivering a lecture. She was singing, dancing, having fun, and expressing her expectations. There was joy in her independence. There was confidence in her refusal to accept disrespect. Adulting looked so fun.
And there was no suggestion that a woman had to stop enjoying life to take herself seriously.
Why We’re Revisiting Control at Survivor Affirmations
At Survivor Affirmations, we talk about personal boundaries, emotional well-being, dignity, and the importance of recognizing behavior that undermines our safety and self-respect.
We also believe those conversations can include music, films, books, and other cultural experiences that helped shape how generations of women understood themselves.
That’s why we’re always returning to Janet Jackson’s Control. Because sometimes a song we danced to at thirteen sounds very different when we hear it at fifty-four. We recognize things we couldn’t have understood then.
And sometimes we discover that the music was giving us language for something we already knew.
Women deserve respect. We have the right to make decisions about our own lives. And we don’t have to surrender those rights to be loved, appreciated, or accepted.
Janet Jackson made those ideas part of the soundtrack of a generation.
Forty years later, they’re still worth talking about.
Survivor Affirmations | Music, Memory, Boundaries & Self-Respect